Mt. Vesuvius or Grand Central?

I'd rather think of myself less as a volcano and more as an intricate, well-operated train station, with thoughts coming and going, cabooses following diligently behind freight and engines (if I were an engine, I'd run on peanut oil…by that I mean peanut butter; it's really what keeps me going sometimes). But a volcano is probably a much more accurate likening. Sometimes a self-disclosure gauge could be a very handy piece of equipment.

I've had people tell me (once they get to know me) that they were intimidated by me at first, for whatever reasons. Just because I appear to have things together doesn't mean I do. For me, it means that I work my butt off to do the best that I can, or better. This is not without plenty of comparing myself to others and weighing my apparent fallings-short.

We're each supposed to be complete on our own, right? Have a good self-image, be confident and secure in who we are. When that's the appearance, other people get nervous. Maybe I'm just really good at shoving it all inside; I've always shoved it inside. I’m an internalizer, an introvert, a loner, a social recluse, etc. People assume that I'm either shallow and snobby or that I have no problems and that my life is smooth sailing, a golden pond, whatever you want to call it.

The fact that my internal stuff comes out at all is due to my writing; in writing I can be more open and descriptive (even with complete or near strangers, as exhibited here on my blog) than I would be in a regular conversation. (My mass e-mail recipients know this too well; poor things have to read all my pages of blather.)

I'm a listener by habit and by personality. It's how I think and learn and, though I hate to use the word, process. I'm no machine, but I do have my routines. And then I spew. That's just the way it goes. Sorry if you're in my path when I happen to erupt.

Comments

[Matt]

Like brother, like sister. Weird how that goes.

I burp a lot. It tends to help alleviate the buildup.

[Izzy]

If not for the different color scheme here I might have thought I wrote this entry.

I know exactly where you're coming from April. There are so many people who think I have everything together, that have told me I am intimidating...little do they know. It feels most of the time that behind these clean closet doors there is a pile of dirty laundry and useless junk that reaches to the ceiling. I mean not everyone has the ability to wear their feelings on their sleeve. That's just not how I'm built. I'd much rather listen to people. In fact, that's what I usually do...listen.

People will write me emails because I wrote something on my blog that is "sad or depressing" and they'll ask me if I'm ok, when chances are I'm doing just fine. Writing is just a way for me to dump out all of that stuff I managed to keep inside. If I didn't do that, I'd probably be a Vesuvius all the freakin' time.

I like things orderly in my world. I like to know when things are coming and going, and at what time. I like for things to stay within a certain range so that there are no extremes to worry about. I like things to run smoothly...much like the train station you described.

[April]

Exactly, Izzy. Order on the outside to balance the clutter (and extremes) inside. Reminds me of another post I wrote some time ago.