What of the atavists

We've been having Mordor sunsets lately, with a dark bank of clouds pressing the sun down toward the horizon. It sets more slowly now—in protest, I think.

Reading always sets me thinking and writing more than anything. Especially the book I just started: City of God, which my friend Allie gave me a year or two ago. I've been meaning to read it for ages. I even took it all the way around the country with me on my trip last fall, without cracking it open once. But now I've started, and I'm hooked. It's such a different style from anything I've read lately. I've been reading mostly for amusement, for diversion, not for substance. This, however, is some substance, and it's a wonderful change.

I like reading books that make me stop and pull out my dictionary to look up a word. For example, atavist: a throwback to an older or more primitive example of an existing thing. Used in reference to people who want to take religion back to the Dark Ages. At least, I think that's how it's used.

This book has passages like this:

You were once heard to speak,
You Yourself are a word, though deemed by some to be unutterable,
You are said to be the Word, and I don't doubt You are the Last Word,
You're the Lord our Narrator, who made a text from nothing, at least that is our story of You.

and this:

Lights coming on in the apartment buildings. If only I were elevating to a smart one-bedroom...a lithe young woman home from her interesting job awaiting my ring...uncorking the wine, humming, wearing no underwear.

and even this:

Before he can knock the door swings open
And he steps into the darkness of the shadow cast by God.
And the singer has to acknowledge as he steps through the door,
"In His shadow I am nothing, don't even have my shadow anymore."

So I wrote in my journal, briefly, before reading more:

What if prayer is just a way of talking to yourself that is acceptable? A way of getting out your wants and needs without being selfish and whiny?

And what of the atavists?

Comments

[Mark W.]

Maybe at the core of who you are, hidden behind all the layers of your false self, the facade and masks and illusionary persona of nothingness that your pride defensively constructs and desparately wants you to be, is your true self, the simple and honest and open part of you that is connected to God and all of creation?

Maybe when you pray, it "is just a way of talking to yourself" if you're honestly talking to the real, true self?